Selling Books in Public

 Back in the summer of 2010, my first novel, Loving the Rain, was published in paperback only (I had no clue about ebooks). I was an 8th-grade English teacher who loved books, but I found I had no idea what to do with mine. I bravely ordered 200 copies. My students and fellow teachers were very supportive, and I sold about 100 copies easily. But what else could I do? I decided to attempt to sell them in public. I first went to the farmers' markets in the town where I taught and the town where I grew up. Both let me come for free initially. Next, both of those same towns had art in the park events, which was much more lucrative than the farmers' markets. I've sold my books at craft shows, book clubs, flee markets, workshops, Kiwanis clubs, bookstores, libraries, author expos, and town festivals, and I've learned a lot. The purpose of the rest of this blog is to share my insights on how to sell. 

1. Have some common sense and thick skin when people you know don't buy from you. When I first started, every time I saw someone I knew, I assumed they'd buy a book from me, and when they didn't, it bothered me--until I gave it a little sensible thought. Just because the person is someone from work, your neighbor, your relative, or an acquaintance from church, it doesn't mean they're a reader. A few may purchase a book just to "support you," but if the person isn't a reader, they just stopped to say hello and congratulations. They don't buy because they don't read. There's nothing you can do about that, and it's okay. It would be like you stopping by the farmer's market, and your neighbor is selling beets, okra, eggplant, and collard greens, none of which you like or know how to cook. You aren't going to walk out with some collard greens anyway, just to be supportive if you don't like them or know how to cook them. Non-readers don't buy books. It's something you need to understand when you're selling, so you can stay upbeat even in the face of "rejection." 

2. You don't have to sell shoppers on your books. Readers are attracted to books. I've been shopping with my wife before, bored and impatient, and then I see a bookstore. That's where I go. I read. I'm attracted to books. Readers love used book stores. Readers go to garage sales just to see if there are books. Readers look at their friends' bookshelves. And readers buy books at craft shows, art shows, and farmers' markets. You don't have to be a salesman. The more you talk about your books, the more likely you are to turn them away empty-handed. Tell the shoppers the books are mysteries, horror, romance, or suspense, but don't tell them what they're about or how long it took you to write them or what your characters are like or why you wrote the book. Let them read the back covers. Answer their questions with only a few words. Be polite and attentive, and let them decide for themselves like every shopper in a bookstore does. 

3. If you're selling books and there are people standing in front of your table, other shoppers will walk by without stopping. So what do you do...or don't you do? First, don't attract non-book buyers to your table. Book lovers will walk directly to your table, usually to stare at your book covers for an uncomfortably long time. People who aren't book lovers may be interested in seeing what you're selling, but they usually don't stop. Don't try to draw them over. They might come to be polite, but if they aren't readers, they won't purchase anything, and an actual buyer might walk by while they're standing there. Don't put candy on your table for kids. They'll come for it, and the parents might stay to talk. Say hi to people as they walk by to show you're friendly, but don't try to get them to stop. Second, attract book buyers. Have attractive displays with pictures, banners, table coverings, books on book stands, etc. You want them to notice you have attractive covers and new books. And then smile, say hello, and talk as little as possible about your books. Let them sell themselves.

4. Hints: Stop yawning, stay off your phone, stand whenever people are around, herd friends and family to the back side of the table to keep them from blocking your display, and if someone stays and talks too long, see if you can get them to move to the side or ask them if they mind if other shoppers can get to your books.  

5. Avoid pictures or posters/banners that show your book in e-book format. That gives every single shopper an excuse to not buy your book. They say they'll buy it on e-book, but believe me, they won't. 

6. Have a credit card reader or application on your phone for credit card sales. PayPal, for instance, will take a small fee for the transaction, but if you only accept cash, you'll lose sales. 

7. Give out business cards or bookmarks to buyers so they can contact you if they want to make future purchases.

8. Have a pen to sign your books...or pre-sign them. Buyers love autographed books. 

9. More hints: Be kind...say thank you...be humble. Don't wear clothes like t-shirts promoting college teams or political affiliations because people will judge you. Compliment your shoppers, give kids discounts, and be willing to take a little off the sale price for people who buy multiple books (if they ask). 

So someone stops by your attractive table with your books displayed neatly. You say, "Hi, how are you today?" After they reply, if they haven't said anything about your books, comment on something they're wearing or compliment them on something not offensive like "I like your hat" or comment on their college t-shirt. "Ohio State has a big game today." When they ask me about my books (I have eleven now), I say, "These three are detective crime mysteries. This one is a mystery/treasure hunt with ties to World War II. These three are time-travel action adventures." They might say, "What is your first book?" I say, "Loving the Rain." They might say, "Does it matter what order you read them in?" I say, "Both of these are series, but they can be read stand-alone." They might say, "What one is your favorite?" I smile and say, "Each one was my favorite until I wrote the next one." They might say, "Can kids read them?" I say, "There's no sex or swearing if that's what you're asking." They might say, "What are they about?" I hand them a book and say, "You can read the back covers and see what you like best." Are you getting the concept that I don't say much? Rambling on about your book and trying to convince people to buy your book are two things that simply rarely ever work. Let the books sell themselves while you are polite, friendly, and attentive. 

Over the years, I've been to many events which included multiple authors. Some of those authors have literally left without a single sale. I've also shared a table at events where I've sold a lot, and my author friend sold almost none. There are reasons for that. So now that you have my experienced advice, start planning to sell in public. I've sold thousands of books, and I make far more money per book on printed copies than I do on line, and you will too. 

The Pharmacy

I retired from teaching English five years ago. Since then, I’ve had five or six different part-time jobs, but the most interesting has to be as a pharmacy technician for a Kroger Pharmacy. I’m into my fourth year now. As you might expect, I have some stories. Some are listed below.

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Our lead tech once had to answer the phone as a doctor called in her father’s prescription for Viagra. She was also there when he came to pick it up.

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I waited on a patient who picked up Fluconazole, which is for fungal infections. She asked to speak with our pharmacist, who cautiously prepared to give instructions for the usage. “I’m not sure what you’re using it for, but…” She was cut off as the young lady announced far too loudly. “It’s for my vagina!”

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A customer came in and asked our pharmacist if we had any tablets. Well, we have all sorts of pills, capsules, and tablets, so the pharmacist said, “We have a lot of different kinds of tablets. Can you be more specific?” The customer responded, “You know…iPad, Android, Galaxy…”

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At the drive-through at the pharmacy, at times, the line was extraordinarily long. One day a customer pulled up after a long wait and looked at me through the window, standing there in my Kroger pharmacy smock. He said, “I’ll have a venti caramel macchiato, steamed, two shots vanilla, and caramel sprinkles.” I stared at him a moment and said, “This is the drive-through for the pharmacy. We don’t take Starbucks orders.” He said, “Oh, man, I’ve been in this line for a half hour. Can you run down to Starbucks and get it for me?” I said, “Um, no sir. You’ll have to go inside.” It’s worth saying that I’ve also had a person drive up and ask for me to get him some ice cream and beer. I didn’t; however, I did have his cholesterol medicine.

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A lady called one of our techs for help finding a man. She wanted a travel companion and claimed she’d pay for everything. Her only stipulations were he had to be single, couldn’t have tattoos, and with great emphasis, she said he must have “No moostache.”

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I listened in to a conversation with a male customer and our female pharmacist. “Why are my blood pressure pills keeping me from having an erection?” I guess that was a less uncomfortable discussion than the one from the guy from the nudist colony (yes, apparently, there is one in our community). He was picking up his Sildenafil, the generic for Viagra. He told our female pharmacist he called it his “Sildena-feel good.”

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A confused technician, after reading doctor's directions for a prescription for Diazepam, the generic for Valium, asked our pharmacist, “It says here for the patient to insert the pill into her vagina. Is that a thing?” The pharmacist admitted it was unusual, but yes, it was a thing. So the technician said, and I quote, “If she needs a Valium for her va-jay-jay, she needs to take a break.”

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On a rainy, gusty evening, a regular customer pulled up—a customer who always, and I mean always, looked confused. He handed me a written prescription for Hydrocodone for pain. I checked his profile, and he didn’t have any other previous prescriptions for the medicine, so I knew our pharmacist would have to check his history in the database before we went through the process of filling the controlled substance. He asked when he could have it, and I told him we’d need about an hour. He said he wanted it “Now.” I told him that wasn’t possible and there were many reasons. He asked to have his prescription back, so he could go somewhere else. I told him it would probably take longer somewhere else since he was our customer, in addition to having the same issues we had, but he demanded I give him the script back. I shrugged my shoulders and put it in the drawer and pushed it open. He grabbed the paper, and then a tremendous gust of wind blew it out of his hands. We both watched it flutter away into the darkness and pouring rain. He stared at me with his mouth hanging open, that same confused look I was accustomed to seeing. I felt I had to say something, so I said, “I’ll see you in a month, Mr. ______.”

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There used to be a regular customer in the drive-through. He couldn’t hear a word I said, no matter how I said it—even through the phone he could access outside our window. But at the beginning, I didn’t know he was nearly deaf. So the first time, after shouting at him “What is your birthdate...date of birth…the day you were born!?” with no word recognition, I decided to write him a note. I took a white paper bag and wrote in huge letters, “What is your birthdate?” He took the bag from the drawer, looked at it, stretched it as far from his face as he could get it, and finally said, “I can’t see this!” I struggle sometimes to keep my sarcasm to myself, so I said, “You did drive here, didn’t you?” He shouldn’t have. He didn’t hear me. He drove away empty-handed.

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A lady, after waiting quite some time in the drive-through line, finally got up to the window. Obviously, she hadn’t put her car in park because while looking through her purse for her credit card, she managed to step on the gas, and her car shot forward out of view. Immediately, the car behind her pulled up to the window as I stood there stunned from watching her car zoom away. Eventually, she walked up and stood between the new car and the window and dropped her card in the drawer.

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A car drove up. The driver parked past the window, but the back seat window lined up perfectly. He reached down, grabbed the lever for his reclining seat, and dropped backward, nearly parallel with the ground. While lying on his back, he reached across his body and rolled his window down. Straining, he lifted his head, telling me his name and birthdate through his back window. As humorous as that was, it was nothing compared to his efforts to reach from his back, through the window, to place his money into the basket to pay for his transaction, an action only a contortionist could pull off. “I don’t need a bag,” he announced from his prone position. That was nice of him, but he was getting 93 cents in change, and we were out of quarters, so he got nine dimes and three pennies I had to put in a little basket he could only reach because of some miracle of nature. He caught the edge of the basket in his fingertips and carefully swung it through the window, dumping two pill bottles, three receipts, and twelve coins on his face. Sheepishly, he raised his seat back up and drove away.

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A transaction was taking too long for the car next in line, so the driver kindly started honking his horn like an idiot. Well, the passenger in the car at the window turned and flipped off the kind, patient driver behind him and started swearing like “a sailor.” He wasn’t a sailor because had he ever been in the military, he’d have died in action. The dumb passenger climbed out of his passenger door and continued to swear at the honker, who incredibly told him to get back in his car before he shot him. Yes…true story. Dumb Not-a-Sailor started yelling, “Go ahead and shoot me. I dare you.” What? Why? I had to ask the customer I was waiting on to get his friend to get back in the car before a murder occurred. We called the police, and the customer with the gun never got his prescription. Another Valium customer? I wonder where he inserted his meds.

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A guy drove up to the drive-through and asked if we gave flu shots. I said we did. He asked, “Could I get one right now? I’ve been waiting in this line forever.” I told him he had to come inside to register and that if he didn’t have an appointment, there could be a long wait. He replied, “The pharmacist can’t just give me a shot here in the drive-through?” Stunned, I was almost at a loss for words—almost. “How do you suspect you’re going to get your shoulder inside the building because I’m certain you can’t fit through the drawer.” I even pushed it open for him to visualize.

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A fun customer stepped up to the register inside the pharmacy just as the power went out. Though the power came back on quickly, all of our computers shut down and had to be rebooted, which, unfortunately, doesn’t happen quickly. I told the man the computers went down. He said, “What’s the delay?” I said, “The computers need to reboot.” He said, “Well, that’s not my problem.” I don’t know whose problem it was if it wasn’t his.   

I have to say, I don’t have the retirement thing figured out what with two part-time jobs, an editing business, and novel writing, marketing, and sales, but there’s no denying people are interesting creatures and great characterization material. If you’re a writer and have the need for an editor, there’s information here on my blog. If you’re a reader, please check out my eight novels. I would love for you to give them a try.

Author Notes

An author’s note can have many uses, but it is generally a way for authors to speak directly to their readers about their work. It might explain what they created or why they created it. It could be a reflection of what they learned while writing their novels or how they grew as an author. Since it’s used to address the audience directly, it could create a connection between authors and their readers, possibly making the work more memorable or meaningful. It might be a statement authors feel needs to be made, or it could be an explanation of how reality mingles with fiction, so readers are better informed.

One of my favorite authors, the late Robert B. Parker of the fantastic Spenser series, wrote a book called Double Play. It’s written about Jackie Robinson and his bodyguard, Joseph Burke, in 1947 when Robinson broke baseball’s color barrier. I’m going to quote Parker’s author note verbatim. “This is a work of fiction about a real man. Most of what I’ve written, I made up. I have, however, attempted to render Jackie Robinson accurately—as he was, or as I imagined him to be in 1947 when I was turning fifteen, and he was changing the world. The rest is altogether fiction. It may be more Burke’s story than Jackie’s, but without Jackie, Burke would have had no story. And neither would I.” It was a phenomenal book, but Parker felt the need to not only give Jackie Robinson credit but also make it clear to his readers that he made the story up. That’s a good use of an author note.

John Grisham wrote an author note for Calico Joe, another of my favorite books, about a fictional event in the 1973 professional baseball season. He wrote, "The mixing of real people, places, and events into a novel is tricky business. This is a story about the Cubs and Mets and the 1973 season, but, please, all you die-hard fans, don't read this with any expectation of accuracy. I have completely rearranged schedules, rosters, rotations, records, batting orders, and I've even thrown in some fictional players to mix it up with the real ones. This is a novel, so any mistake should be promptly classified as part of the fiction."

Harlan Coben is my favorite author, but on the first page of Miracle Cure, there's a "note from the author," which is awful. It says "Okay, if this is the first book of mine you're going to try, stop now. Return it. Grab another. It's okay." Wow. He also said, "Please know that I haven't read Miracle Cure in at least twenty years. It is my second published novel, one I wrote...when I was just a naive lad....I'm hard on it.” He said, “Man, what was I thinking?... It is a bit preachy in spots and sometimes dated.” Then he said, “Flawed and all, I love this book." It doesn't sound like he loved it because if he did, he wouldn't have written the author note. 

I say instead of putting forth a warning, he should’ve revised his book. Made it better. Republished it so he could be proud of it. Or if he didn’t want to revisit the manuscript, he should’ve unpublished it so people don’t read it, thinking it’s on a par with his other works and find themselves disappointed. I was disappointed. I couldn’t get it out of my head that Coben was uncomfortable with me reading it, and I found out from an ill-advised author note. 

I’m an author too, and I’ve used author notes to make important comments a few times but never to make excuses for my writing or to warn my readers they may not enjoy my book. In my mystery, Lost and Found, there is a treasure hunt and a search for a grandfather with dementia. The novel starts in Germany just before WWII. A German-Jewish family sends a son to America with a treasure of art. As I researched the book, I found ample opportunity to include recorded historical events throughout my mystery. But the book was fiction, so I made up things as well, and some of the non-fictional events included my made-up characters and their fictional activities. I felt compelled at the end of the book to explain what was factual and what wasn’t. I used an author note to do so and felt it was a nice addition to my book.

In my two most recent books, I’ve had to include an author note similar to one from John Green and A Fault in Our Stars. He said, "This is not so much an author's note as an author's reminder of what was printed in small type a few pages ago: This book is a work of fiction. I made it up. Neither novels nor their readers benefit from attempts to divine whether any facts hide inside a story. Such efforts attack the very idea that made-up stories can matter, which is sort of the foundational assumption of our species. I appreciate your cooperation in this matter."

Maybe he was serious because of some feedback or some similarities to something real in his life or of someone he knew, or maybe he was sarcastically joking since people know he writes fiction. Either way, this is a good use of an author note, and it’s a use I made of the notes in my last two novels.

In Jumper, the first book in my time-travelers series, I literally got some one-star reviews because, as I was told, the Staff of Moses wasn’t made of sapphire and it never was a possession of Adam in the Garden of Eden. There were other Biblical references that I used as ideas, but readers wanted me to know that I was a heretic, and I didn’t know my Bible. Well, I never said what I wrote was factual. I wrote a fictional novel. I made things up. I was also told that the Jordanian military wasn’t an elite fighting force. Well, again, so what? They were in my book because I made it up. I did plenty of research to get peripheral details correct, but I never claimed to be writing non-fiction. I was criticized for making Muslims my bad guys in the Middle East as if I was making some political statement, but I never mentioned Muslims, and the true baddy was an Israeli. The only reason the book was in Jordan was because that was where Mt. Nebo was and where the Staff of Moses was found and where one of my main Biblical characters was actually from. It wasn’t political at all.

So when I wrote the follow-ups, Planer and Warper, I wrote author notes. I said, “I shouldn’t have to say this, but I’m compelled to remind my readers that this is a work of fiction. I made this up, including stories that often have a basis in the Bible.” I said other things including that they’re not political books. But mostly I said, “I’m telling you as clearly as I can that I made things up like authors do.” It’s what Robert B. Parker did. It's what John Grisham did. It’s what John Green did. It’s what J.K. Rowling did in Harry Potter. I have to wonder if people wrote her and told her the magic that was done was impossible like they did to me to tell me my details weren't accurate. So I wrote an author note like many authors do, and I reminded my readers I am a fictional novelist. If things seem so real that I have to be reminded elements are inaccurate, it means I did a good job researching and making my made-up story believable.  

So if you’re an author and there is something you feel is important to say, say it in an author note. Just don’t tell your readers to put it back and try something else because it’s so flawed. That’s my advice from The Red Pen. 

In My Humble Opinion

 

There is a scene in The Princess Bride where Vizzini keeps remarking that the Dread Pirate Roberts’s deeds are inconceivable. “Inconceivable!” he shouts. Finally, Inigo Montoya makes a rather obvious reply. “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” Exactly.

There is another word people use, and I don’t think it means what they think it means. Humbled. Humbled means to lower (someone) in dignity or importance, typically one who was previously thought to be superior. To make someone understand they aren’t as important or special as they thought. Synonyms? How about humiliate, debase, shame, demean, belittle, degrade, dishonor, bring down, put down, eat crow, or fall from grace? 

Thirty-three-year-old Marcus Freeman was hired by Notre Dame to become their next football coach. He said it was “humbling” to be chosen. So he was elevated from defensive coordinator to his first head coaching job in one of the most elite programs in the country, and it somehow lowered his dignity and importance. He shamefully had been belittled.

Mario Cristobal was “honored and humbled” to be named the Miami Hurricanes' next football coach. Yes, it’s quite an honor to come back to his alma mater to coach, but what was the humbling part? The part where he was greeted like a politician who just won an election or the part where he’ll now make eighty million dollars over the next ten years?

Speaking of politicians, our own president, Joe Biden, said at his acceptance speech after eighty million people voted for him, “I am humbled by the trust and confidence you have placed in me.” So a man who formerly lost the presidential election two other times somehow had to eat crow when he won. Somehow winning showed him he was less important and special than he thought.

Iconic rapper, Missy Elliot, won four Grammy Awards, sold over thirty million records in the United States, was named the best-selling female rapper in Nielsen Music history, and Billboard ranked her number five of the one hundred greatest music video artists of all time. So when she was awarded her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, she said, “I am humbled.” Clearly, after all the previous recognition, she knew she was good, and the star with her name on it confirmed she was, right? But she was humiliated to be put down in such a way. Wait…

Bill Gates was “deeply humbled to receive the medal of freedom for [his] foundation’s efforts to make the world more equal for everyone.” I’m sorry, Bill, it was demeaning to you to be told you made the world a better place (in your humble opinion)?

Dak Prescott was “humbled” to be named to the Pro Bowl. His exact words were “it’s humbling.” Yes, being told you’re one of the very best at your profession is quite degrading and dishonoring. Following up on a four-year, $160 million contract with a Pro Bowl selection must have left him feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

Poet Daniel Borzutzky won the 2016 National Book Award for his collection The Performance of Becoming Human. His response? “It was never anything I expected to happen, and I’m really humbled by the fact that people read my book so closely and that they’ve cared for it.” So, you, a master of words, found it troubling that you never expected an award, yet you won, finding out how impressive you actually are. I’m sure it was shocking to have to admit your debased opinion of yourself was so wrong. Humbling, in fact. It must have been awful for you.

The great writer, C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.” I think there’s almost certainly one constant emotional state or condition of any sports hero, music or acting star, best-selling artist, billionaire, or lifelong politician—self-confidence. Probably vanity is a partner of that confidence. So while in the midst of winning, achieving, setting records, making gazillions of dollars, and wading through constant attention, adulation, and success, most probably aren’t particularly humble (I’m sure there are exceptions). What they more likely have is a huge ego, a tremendous drive for success, and at the very least, a scattering of awards and achievements. So when they win something or achieve something else, to say they are humbled is a false demonstration of humility. It’s a relief, an honor, a recognition for a lifetime of hard work, but it’s not a reflection that they aren’t as special or important as they thought. They’re actually being told they are special; they have achieved something important; they did do something superior. They did something inconceivable. Oh, wait, I don’t think that word means what you think it means…in my humble opinion.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=Jeff+LaFerney&i=stripbooks&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Apostrophe Rules

I taught English for thirty years. Once upon a time, we would teach grammar and punctuation. Not too many kids “got it,” but at least it was taught. The last few years, before I retired, the only teaching of punctuation was random and coincidental. It wasn’t in the curriculum. In some ways, I didn’t miss teaching it. How many times did I hear kids refer to apostrophes as “flying commas”? How often did I teach apostrophes, focusing on the very few rules, and then kids began inserting flying commas everywhere they saw an s? Well, that happened every year. Now I read internet blogs, articles, and comments and wonder if anyone knows the rules for apostrophes. In this blog post, I’m going to go over the few apostrophe rules, emphasizing the pet peeves I have. Uh, yeah, I have a lot of them.

Rule #1. Apostrophes are used to tell the reader that letters are missing. Usually this is done in contractions. Do not becomes don’t and the apostrophe tells us the o in not is missing. I have an irritated side comment here (I think this goes as pet peeves one through four). This rule about contractions? It applies for it’s, you’re, they’re, and who’s. It’s = it is; you’re = you are; they’re = they are; who’s = who is. How is that hard to comprehend…and therefore spell correctly? Those words are contractions. (I’m doing my best to not use all caps and loads of exclamation marks). For the love of grammar and spelling, why do I have to read misspellings of those words every day? 

Moving on…You might also use an apostrophe with ’cause (it’s not cuz) or ’til (which is pet peeve number five and stands for the word until—till is a money drawer or a way to work up the ground for planting—and is a misspelling of ’til) or go get ’em (for them) or top o’ the mornin’. The use of the apostrophe in the previous several examples tells the reader that letters are missing.

Rule #2. Do not use an apostrophe to make a plural of a noun (two bird’s is incorrect) or before the final s in a verb (bird chirp’s is incorrect). The only time an apostrophe is used in any kind of plural is in the following three instances: 1) Use the apostrophe to form the plural of an abbreviation that combines upper and lowercase letters or has interior periods: The science department gave ten M.A.’s and four Ph.D.’s at graduation. 2) Use the apostrophe to form the plural of lowercase letters: The word has multiple i’s and u’s. 3) Use the apostrophe to form the plural of words that aren’t nouns but are used as nouns: There are too many and’s in that sentence. Besides these three unusual circumstances, one only needs to use an apostrophe in contractions and to form possessives.

Sidenote. Possessive pronouns never have apostrophes. My, mine, its, his, her, hers, our, ours, their, theirs, your, and yours are examples of possessive pronouns. Pronouns are used in place of nouns, and there are special pronouns that show ownership. They do not have apostrophes. What am I on, pet peeves number six and seven? They’re means “they are.” Their is a possessive pronoun which means “belongs to them.” All other times you use the homophone in writing, use there. It’s not so hard to understand, but I admit, it is slightly harder to understand than to understand why people write are instead of our. Have you placed are order yet? Give me a break. Those words don’t even sound alike.

The above image makes me laugh. Moving on, there are exactly three rules for forming possessives of nouns.

Rule #3. To form the possessive (shows ownership) of a singular noun (singular means there is only one person, place, thing, or idea showing ownership), add an apostrophe and an s at the end of the word. Let me insert this crazy additional word to the rule—always. Yeah, I don’t care what the construction sounds like. There’s a rule for this. For singular words, add an apostrophe and an s to show ownership—always.

   

It’s time to interrupt to explain where I’m headed here. There are three simple rules for forming possession in English grammar. What I’m saying is Mr. (or Mrs.) I-Made-Up-Grammar-For-The-English-Language did something right for once when inventing apostrophe rules. He (or she) took the idea that punctuation is meant to help the reader understand what he or she is reading and devised three simple rules that do that job perfectly. But then Mr. (or Mrs.) I-Live-In-A-Different-Century-And-I-Think-I’ll-Evolve-The-Language-For-No-Particularly-Good-Reason-Except-To-Throw-In-An-Exception-To-A-Rule-That-Is-Perfectly-Easy-To-Understand-And-Apply came along and has tried to throw a wrench into something that didn’t need wrenching. To paraphrase his (or her) exception, I think this would describe it well: “If the singular word ends with s and forming the singular possessive inconveniences your pronunciation skills, you can decide—or not—to use an apostrophe to form the possessive without adding an s. But there’s not going to be a set description of when you’ll do this. Just do it randomly and ignore what the other two possessive rules mean because it’ll be convenient for your eyes and ears, I guess, sort of.” I think that’s the new rule—which isn’t a rule at all. So instead of following the rule for singular possessives consistently, the new age grammar tweekers suggest we can write Jesus’ disciples and Moses’ staff and diabetes’ victims and Brussels’ capital building. Oh, but go ahead and write bus’s lights and glass’s liquid and Mr. Jones’s confusion and Chris’s lack of assurance of whether he (or she) is doing the right thing. Or don’t. It’s kind of up to you based on how it sounds and looks and makes you feel. Yeah, this is pet peeve whatever number I’m on, but it’s time to go back to the rules.

Rule #4. To form the possessive of a plural noun that ends with s (as most plural nouns do), simply put an apostrophe after the s. This will do two things. It’ll tell the reader that the word is showing ownership and it’ll tell the reader that the word is plural. So while a reader knows that dog’s paws is talking about only one dog, the reader also knows that dogs’ paws is talking about more than one dog’s paws. It’s the beauty of the rule. Glass’s liquid is one glass while glasses’ liquid is more than one glass. Let me move on to rule #5 before I focus back on my interruption from above.

Rule #5. To form the possessive of a plural noun that does not end with s, add an apostrophe and s to show possession. So if women have shoes, you would write women’s shoes. It’s children’s imaginations and teeth’s cavities.

So I stated three rules for possessives. Easy rules. Applicable rules. Functional rules. And they’re consistent, which in English is kind of an odd thing. So let’s go back to rule #3 and my interruption and talk about some weird things. Let’s say I have Mose and Mos Moses in my English class. They have projects. I say Mose’s project (a project belongs to Mose). I say Mos’s project (a project belongs to Mos). I say Moses’s project (a project belongs to one of the Moseses). I say Moseses’ project (a project belongs to both of the Moseses). I say Moses’ project (I don’t know who has a project). Only one of my examples leaves me wondering who did the project—Moses’ project. It could mean more than one Mos did a project. It could mean that more than one Mose did a project. It could mean, according to the rule wrencher, that one of the Moseses did a project. The only thing it can’t mean is that both of the Moseses did a project. I can only assume that the rule wrencher didn’t want to pronounce the possessive word as “Moseses” because it sounds awkward? Though the Moses family would be made up of the Moseses, right? Pronounced “Moseses”? I’m being petty here, I know, but Jesus’ disciples literally means that there was more than one Jesu, and they have disciples. Brussels’ capital building literally means there is more than one Brussel who take “ownership” of the capital building. Diabetes’ victims means there is more than one diabete that has victims.

You see, the rules for punctuating possessives make it very clear whether a word is singular or plural and whether something belongs to that word. If there is a Mr. Moses and a Mrs. Moses, together they are the Moseses. That’s the plural. If together they own something, like a house, it is the Moseses’ house. If we’re only talking about the wallet that belongs to Mr. Moses, it would be Mr. Moses’s wallet. That’s the punctuation rule. Those three Moses examples are pronounced exactly the same way (Moseses, Moseses’, Moses’s) but have decipherably different meanings. And it’s pet peeve number something or other that people are messing with the rule for who knows what inconsistent reason. I suggest that we should celebrate that there is a punctuation mark that has simple, consistent, understandable, meaningful rules, and that any reader or writer can use those rules to interpret or give meaning.  So Mr. (or Mrs.) I-Live-In-A-Different-Century-And-I-Think-I’ll-Evolve-The-Language-For-No-Particularly-Good-Reason-Except-To-Throw-In-An-Exception-To-A-Rule-That-Is-Perfectly-Easy-To-Understand-And-Apply, please stop wrenching a rule that doesn’t need to be wrenched. In other words, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Let me give one last odd example. Who cares if Arkansas’s governor is odd to pronounce? Is there anyone who has read this blog who doesn’t know what it means? Did anyone stop, stutter, and whine that Arkansas's is a weird word? I rest my case. 

So you’ve now read another installment of The Red Pen. I probably gave you a headache. Certainly I overwhelmed you with a large dose of sarcasm (pet peeve double digit—dose is a word which is not an alternate spelling for does). Some of you are probably poised to quote stylebook notations to me. Some of you are probably worried for my well-being and are prepared to talk me down from a building ledge or advise me to “Don’t worry. Be happy.” The reality is I’m fine. I’ve vented, and writers will go on placing flying commas wherever they please. I’m certain of it.

March Madness

It’s that time of year. It’s the time for great highs and great lows. Today, I want to write about one of each. The great “low” happened during the Vanderbilt-Northwestern NCAA tournament round one game (unless you’re a Northwestern Wildcat fan, and then it’s a great “high”). The great “high” is what happened with the Michigan Wolverines in their Big Ten tournament championship run.

I want to start with the Vanderbilt game. For Northwestern Wildcat fans, this has been a great year. The team has set a school record for most wins in a season, and they made it to the NCAA tournament for the first time in their history, earning an 8 seed against the 9-seeded Vanderbilt Commodores. At the end of the game, Vanderbilt’s Matthew Fisher-Davis inexplicably committed an intentional foul with 14 seconds on the clock and his team ahead by one point. Immediately, he became the reason Vanderbilt lost the game. Northwestern made both free throws and Riley LaChance missed a three-point attempt with seven seconds to go. So in our society of blame, clearly Matthew Fisher-Davis is the reason Vanderbilt lost.

I’ve written about such things before when the University of Michigan’s punter mishandled a snap on the last play of the game against Michigan State, who turned the fumble into a game-winning touchdown. Death threats were made against the punter. I argued that there was lots of “blame” to go around. http://jefflaferney.blogspot.com/2015/10/death-threats-against-university-of.html  So let me make some arguments in favor of Matthew Fisher-Davis. First, the Vanderbilt Commodores snuck into the tournament with a 19-15 record. Who was their leading scorer? Yes, Fisher-Davis. My first argument is that they wouldn’t have even been in the tournament without him. So, the first round game began (with Fisher-Davis on the bench), and he substituted in and simply led the team in scoring with 22 points. The next two high scorers had 14 and 12. Fisher-Davis was 7 for 15 shooting (47%). The rest of the team was 14-40 (35%). With 7:12 left in the game and Vanderbilt down by seven points, Coach Bryce Drew called his last timeout. That meant when his team scored and went ahead with 17 seconds to play, he couldn’t call a timeout and set his defense.

So what happened in those last seven minutes? Well, Fisher-Davis scored eight of his team’s sixteen points, grabbed two rebounds, and blocked a shot. He made two of four field goal attempts and four of five free throw attempts. The rest of the team went three of eight from the floor. In the last minute and thirty-six seconds, the lead changed six times. Video clearly showed Fisher-Davis looking at his coach as Bryant McIntosh was dribbling up the floor after Vanderbilt took the lead with seventeen seconds remaining, and Coach Drew was pointing at McIntosh, so Fisher-Davis fouled him, thinking (he admits this) that his team was behind by one point. After McIntosh made two free throws, Vanderbilt had the ball with fourteen seconds to play and a chance for the winning basket which was missed by a teammate. So, obviously, it was Fisher-Davis’s fault his team lost, right? It doesn’t matter that Vanderbilt managed to get behind by fifteen points in the second half. It doesn’t matter that his team was out-rebounded by seven, that his team made ten turnovers, that his team committed sixteen fouls, or that his teammates missed 26 shots. It doesn’t matter that his coach ran out of timeouts long before the last stressful minute and a half were played or that his pointing at McIntosh sent a mixed-up signal. It doesn’t matter that Fisher-Davis came off the bench and was the best player for Vanderbilt’s team during the game or that he wasn’t the one who missed the game winning shot attempt. All that matters is someone needs to be blamed. I pick that blaming attitude as a low for March Madness. "He's the type of person [who's going to] feel some blame," forward Luke Kornet said. "But in the second half, we have no chance if he doesn't make the shots that he made. We're with him no matter what." That’s great to hear from a teammate, but the blame game from fans happened and will happen again before the tournament is over.

Congratulations, Northwestern, by the way. Your team should get some credit for the win, don’t you think? You know, since you outshot your opponent by 11% and outrebounded them by seven (and had the lead for 39 minutes and 13 seconds of the game) and made go-ahead baskets or free throws three times in the last 1:36?

So now for the great “high” of March Madness. The Michigan Wolverines deserve the nod. On Wednesday, March 8, 2017, the Wolverines basketball team boarded a plane at the Willow Run Airport in the midst of a windstorm. I live in Michigan. I watched siding blow off my neighbor’s house. The metal “For Sale” sign stuck in my front yard was bent in half. My power was out. Wind was gusting up to 65 miles per hour. A light pole outside of my subdivision was blown over. And the McDonnell Douglas MD-83 Aircraft blew off the runway just as it was attempting to lift off. After the aborted take-off, the plane skidded 400 yards, through a fence and a ditch, and stopped short of a ravine. Michigan players Jon Teske and Mark Donnal took the doors off the plane, beginning emergency exit procedures for the 109 passengers. The inflatable chutes were deployed, but wind gusts caused them to flail and flop as the engines smoked and smoldered. Coach Beilein, with fumes pouring in his face, helped hold down the inflatable chutes. The burning engine churned with noise. Passengers ran from the wreckage because they believed the plane was going to blow up. Starting point guard Derrick Walton had to have stiches in his leg. Others had bumps and bruises—and the scare of a lifetime.

Many hours later, they were back on campus with a decision to make. Did they want to forfeit their game the next day at noon or begin another travel day at six in the morning by boarding another plane to fly to Washington D.C.? They took a vote. Some didn’t want to do it, but majority ruled. There was a power outage on the campus, so they weren’t able to practice. Because of the crash investigation, they weren’t allowed to get their luggage, but they repacked, silently took a half-hour bus ride to Detroit Metro Airport, white-knuckled a 7:30 take-off that included turbulence, fought the D.C. traffic to get to the arena for the game which was delayed thirty minutes because of their late arrival, and dressed in their practice jerseys because their uniforms were still on the crashed plane. They beat Illinois by 20, a team that had called the Wolverines “white collar” while the Illini had “toughness” and “together[ness].” Then they beat the number one seed, Purdue, the next day. Then they beat the number four seed, Minnesota, the next day. Then they beat the number two seed, Wisconsin, the next day.

Coach Beilein expressed that the team played “together” with an “appreciation” for the game and each other. They were “blessed” after what they went through to be able to play the games. Derrick Walton, Jr., who was upset that he didn’t make first-team all-conference, outplayed the first teamer from Minnesota by miles. This is a team that fought through the tournament on grit and adrenaline and togetherness and belief and desire. There was an unselfishness about them. The Wolverines didn't seem to care who was scoring or who was in the game. They played with heart. They fought hard from beginning to end. They overcame psychological trauma and together decided they could get over the adversity by playing a game.

March Madness is going to produce some highs and lows, for sure. What’s incredible is how sports demonstrates the spirit of mankind—overcoming adversity, showing heart, dealing with mistakes, meeting goals, working together, and showing incredible toughness. It’s not about excuse making and blaming. But, then again, it’s called March Madness, and crazy things happen, including blaming the best player on your team for "losing" the game in one play. 

Adverbs: Parts of Speech in Writing

As I continue my journey through most of the parts of speech, today I’m going to write about adverbs. I’ve already written about action verbs http://jefflaferney.blogspot.com/2017/01/parts-of-speech-action-verbs.html and linking verbs http://jefflaferney.blogspot.com/2017/01/parts-of-speech-linking-verbs.html so the obvious next choice is adverbs. They’re the words that describe verbs, after all. Because I’m an author who is learning as I go, and because I’m an editor who tries to learn new things so I can give good advice, this blog will be about how to use adverbs affectively and how to avoid them to make your writing better.

So what is an adverb? An adverb is the part of speech that describes or “modifies” verbs, adjectives, and other adverbs. They usually tell how something is done, but they also tell when, where, and to what extent. A large number of adverbs end with –ly which makes those words easy to identify.

Stephen King says the road to hell is paved with adverbs. He’s obviously generalizing, but a quote like that suggests writers should try to avoid adverbs. I’ll get to the words to avoid soon, but before I do that, I’m going to say that you can’t always avoid adverbs in your writing.  For instance, adverbs like now, later, then, soon, today, tomorrow, never, sometimes, before, after, forever, and many others—they tell when, and writing would suffer without “when” words. Adverbs like here, there, somewhere, anywhere, someplace, up, down, inside, and many others tell where. Those words are important. And just try to write without using words like too, so, not, and very. Those words typically describe adjectives and other adverbs, telling “to what extent.” I’m pretty sure Stephen King, though, is talking specifically about –ly words. I’ll get to specifics about those in just a bit.

First, however, I need to focus on a common grammar error regarding adverbs. Adverbs describe verbs; adjectives don’t. Adjectives describe nouns and pronouns. So when you’re describing an action, you need to use an adverb. A person doesn’t sing good; they sing well. Good is an adjective; well is an adverb. A person doesn’t talk loud; they talk loudly. A person doesn’t drive bad; they drive badly. Loud and bad are adjectives, but in the sentences, they are describing talk and drive. Both of those words are verbs, so they need adverbs (loudly and badly) to describe them. Knowing the parts of speech will help writers avoid grammar errors like those. And here is another issue with adverbs.

I mentioned that very is an adverb telling “to what extent.” But words like very, so, extremely, and really can definitely be overused, especially when there are good, specific adjectives you can use to avoid them. Instead of “very hungry,” a person could be “starving” or “famished.” Instead of “too loud,” music could be “raucous” or “deafening.” Instead of being “so happy,” a person could be “ecstatic” or “delighted.” Instead of being “really troubled,” a patient could be “anxious” or “distressed” or “unsettled.” Instead of “not happy,” a person could be “angry” or “dejected.”  So Stephen King could be right by saying adverbs are a problem. But most likely, he was talking about –ly words.

Before I get to that, however, adverbs could be a sign that you’ve used the wrong verb. A better verb needs to be used instead of a verb with the adverb modifying it. Instead of a person who “ran quickly” down the street, a writer could say he “raced” instead. Instead of saying “Martin spoke clearly,” I could say he “articulated.” Instead of saying the injured player “limped noticeably,” I could say she “hobbled” or “staggered.”

Next, adverbs can strip your writing of intensity, emotion, description, and action. Let’s say I’m writing and I include the following line of dialogue.

 He grabbed her arm tightly. “Come with me now,” he growled menacingly. “You won’t need a coat where we’re going.”

That seems descriptive, but how about this instead?

He seized Katie’s arm in his meaty hand. His gritted teeth and his cruel, bloodshot eyes alarmed her. “Come with me…now. You won’t need a coat where we’re going.” His threatening voice left no doubt that she was in danger.

Sure, the second example is wordier, but it’s descriptive. A reader can visualize the character, the action, and the emotional fear and intensity.  

Never use an adverb to modify the verb 'said' . . . he admonished gravely. To use an adverb this way (or almost any way) is a mortal sin. The writer is now exposing himself in earnest, using a word that distracts and can interrupt the rhythm of the exchange.  (Leonard Elmore) 

Also, adverbs can be an annoyance in dialogue. Their use makes for lazy “telling” instead of “showing.” There are many levels of problems with adverbs in dialogue tags. I’ve seen things like “he ordered demandingly.” Well, that’s redundant. Ordered implies—maybe even means—something was being demanded. Just say “he ordered” or “he demanded” or, better yet, "he said" and describe the manner in which it was said in the action.

Another issue is that the adverb is used when it is meaningless. It says nothing the reader doesn’t already know.

Bob slammed his fist through the drywall. “You make me so mad!” he said angrily.

Duh? Fist-slamming, exclamation mark, and the word mad aren’t enough? Heck, I don’t even need any kind of dialogue tag. Bob’s name is in the sentence. I know who said the words, and I know he was angry.

That leads to my final issue with dialogue tags using adverbs. Sometimes they literally insult our intelligence and become an inconvenient annoyance. Let’s say you were at a play and two characters were on the stage having a discussion. What if one said, “I need to get to the hospital”? Then a third party walks on stage and says, “Mike is anxious right now.” Then he exits the stage and the other character says, “I know you’re worried. How about if I drive you there right now?” Then the third party walks onto the stage and says, “Jenny is concerned and is trying to be compassionate.” Wouldn’t that be horrible? I mean, Mike could be biting his nails and pacing. He might have let out a big sigh. Jenny might have touched his arm with care and had compassion in her eyes. In the audience, you can see the anxiety and concern. It’s the same way with writing. Show with your description how Mike and Jenny are feeling. Don’t tell it by saying “he said anxiously” or “she said compassionately.” Use your descriptive details and actions to show the emotion. And if there are only two people in the conversation, your paragraphing and characters’ names in the description will show who is speaking. Don’t annoy your readers by telling them things that they can ascertain themselves.

Adverbs are one of the eight parts of speech. They’re going to be used in your writing, whether in phrases or in individual descriptive details. But don’t overuse them. Learn how to identify them (-ly words in particular) and see how many you would do better without. It’ll make your writing better, and that’s what you want anyway, isn’t it?