As a kid, I grew up as the middle child of two middle-class parents. My mom and dad were both schoolteachers. My mom stayed at home when we were little and bought additional years so she could retire with my dad, who coached and taught driver's training to help make ends meet. We had to log information on our lone rotary phone to track our expensive long-distance calls. We had to get permission to eat ice cream or drink pop because it was a special treat. They didn't buy me a car. When I needed shoes or jeans without holes in the knees or a new baseball glove, I got it, but I didn't get spoiled; that's for sure. I shared a bedroom with my brother most of my youth, and the whole family shared the one full bathroom. I played outside and worked to purchase my own bike. I got good grades, went to a local college so I could save money and live at home, worked all through school to help pay my debts (I bought my own first car and paid it off before I graduated), and graduated with honors.
Then, after about 25 years of my own teaching career, I found out I had white privilege. I was told I have microaggressions, unconscious biases, systemic racism, and misogynistic tendencies. I was told I should pay reparations and that I am an evil colonizer. I thought I grew up in a country home, learning how to work hard, respect people, have good manners, be honest, and take responsibility for myself. I found out my masculinity is toxic, and I'm racist because I'm white.
I've also learned people are easily triggered, words are violence, people need safe spaces, and feelings matter much more than science (unless they are my feelings, which don't matter at all). And if people say they are someone or something else, I need to respect their imagination and go along with it. So I decided to make my own identity.
First off, I decided to identify as Keanu Reeves...but only for the Matrix movies. I feel strongly that it was me in the movies, and since estimates suggest Keanu Reeves made 300 to 380 million dollars for the series, I can next identify as a multi-millionaire. I'd prefer to identify as a Florida resident living on South Ocean Boulevard on Palm Beach. I've chosen a home that once sold for $170 million as my place of lodging. I feel like I live there, and I feel like I can afford it with my movie revenue. When I attempt to get past the gate into the community, not only should all my neighbors and the security guards accept who I am, but they should also celebrate it and label any skepticism as phobic, racist, and misogynistic (I don't know why, but that would only be fair).
I imagine myself bored in that state of being, and my property taxes and homeowner's insurance would be astronomical. Plus, I'd hate to be strapped with the responsibility of being crazy generous with my money like Keanu Reeves. I'd rather be a professional basketball player anyway.
I've decided to play in the NBA. This is tricky, however. I'm only 5'7", so I need to first identify as a different height, and since I'm 64 years old, I'll need to identify as a different age. And since all of my favorite basketball players are black, I think it's obvious I'll be black too. So, I was thinking 6'9", 240 pounds of muscle and athleticism, and 24 years of age would all be advantageous to my playing career. That's who I decided to be next. Of course, I'd have to try out for the team, but I should easily make it once the NBA knows I'll file for age and height discrimination if I don't. And obviously, if anyone disagrees with the race I identify with, they are racist, and I can be the catalyst for a court trial proving the NBA is racist. They should enforce race quotas, and everyone should agree with me because it's my truth.
I would also like to identify as a bald eagle, mostly because it would make me immune to almost every law except the ones that would protect my rights at the cost of everyone else's. And since I've spent my whole life trying to be kind and courteous to others, being respectful, honest, and self-responsible, I'd like to end that now and identify as some of the most annoying things on earth. I'd like to identify as a string, rope, or chord. That way I can tangle myself up into the most annoying knots anyone has ever dealt with. Or I might be a stoplight, so I can make cars sit still on the road when they're in a hurry, while no cars pass in any other direction. Or I'd like to identify as a smoke alarm, so I can start beeping in the middle of the night when I decide it's time to change my battery.
I know what else would be fun. I could identify as a salt shaker. I would clog my holes so no salt can come out, and then when someone cleans the clogs, I could pour out like there are no holes at all. I might as well be ketchup too, holding off all attempts to pour me out and then releasing half of my contents all at once. I've considered identifying as a zipper too. Getting caught halfway up or down would surely bring joy to my users, and speaking of joy, I'd like to be a shopping cart with one wheel that I would refuse to roll. I might be a picture frame that never hangs level to annoy everyone who is OCD. And if I really want to be annoying, I could identify as a copy machine that has paper jams on every print attempt. Or I could be keys, glasses, or a cell phone. I could spend every moment playing hide-and-seek.
Next, I considered that if I could be creative, there must be some people out there who also identified as creative things. Not surprisingly, I was correct. One person claimed she was a sovereign citizen who "doesn't legally exist," thus exempting her from taxes, laws, and arrest. Another claimed to be a reincarnated Medieval king with authority over the city council. He tried to issue royal decrees during a municipal meeting. Another claimed to be a celestial archangel with diplomatic immunity. She informed police officers that arresting her was a violation of interdimensional treaties. Another claimed to be a time-traveling wizard from 2077, and he claimed modern society was too primitive to understand the magic he was unable to produce. One man said he was a dragonkin with territorial rights over a public park and insisted joggers were trespassing on his lair. One creative woman argued she was a non-corporeal vapor being, so she shouldn't have to pay rent because vapor cannot occupy space. Another said he was a sentient plant who shouldn't have to work. He claimed employment was species discrimination. One man said he was a fictional anime character and demanded coworkers refer to him by the character's name and treat him as if he had powers.
Incredibly, there are more. One man claimed to be a sentient traffic cone and demanded people stop trying to get him to move because it violated his right to remain stationary. Another man claimed to be a living vending machine and required people to insert emotional currency before speaking to him. One said she was a professional ghost. She insisted coworkers pretend not to see her during meetings. Another man said he was a sovereign houseplant who demanded sunlight rights and protection from unauthorized watering. Another man said he was a human smoke detector, and he insisted on beeping loudly during arguments (I hadn't thought of that when I identified as a smoke detector). Another man claimed to be a water fountain and demanded people toss coins at him before asking favors. One lunatic said he was a human paper shredder, and he insisted on destroying negativity by making loud shredding noises.
The trouble with all of this blog is that it's a lie. I didn't make up the crazy people who think they're someone or something else, but I wasn't intellectually honest when I suggested a person can randomly decide to be someone or something they clearly aren't. Truth isn't about feelings, hopes, and dreams. Truth is about facts, reality, and common sense. A person can say he or she is something he or she really isn't, but it doesn't change facts, science, and truth. I may wish, believe, or demand I was younger, taller, richer, a possessor of darker skin, or a best-selling author with a #1 best-seller, but the truth is, I'm not (actually, I was for a day--twice).
My feelings are that God made me special. I'm a white, Christian, male, son, brother, husband, father, grandfather, ex-teacher, current writer, athlete, reader, and friend. I'm 5'7" tall and 64 years old. I'm not rich, but I'm blessed. People can see me and know me. Maybe I can make myself into someone or something else, but I can't imagine it into truth. I have to identify with the truth.
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