Strings Are Alive and Other Obvious Truths

There was a time when I considered writing a short-story book. I was going to call it Strings Are Alive and Other Obvious Truths. Well, time has slipped by, and I never gave it much thought until just recently when I came upon an Internet article about “Mr. Obvious,” and it got me thinking again. I began to think about things that are obvious truths, starting with the fact that strings are alive. I’m certain of it. Take as an example when I coached basketball, I hung a whistle and a stopwatch around my neck. I also had a carry bag to store all my coaching materials such as my scorebook, my practice schedules, pencils, and my breath mints (you know—the essentials). There was a zippered pocket I’d individually drop the stopwatch and whistle into every day after practice, and the next day when I took them out, they would be jumbled into a knot. They hated me (or loved each other), and they would wind themselves up into a twisted bunch each and every night. If I threw them on the floor in my closet, they’d come up in a knot. If I threw them in a drawer or put them in my pocket, to my chagrin a knot would transpire. They were entwined just as if they thought they were Christmas lights. Why do we bother winding Christmas lights in nice, neat rolls each year? They will return the next Christmas season knotted up worse than…well…an extension cord. I bought a 100-foot extension cord just recently. It was wound perfectly—no tangles anywhere until I tried to unwind it. Then there were knots everywhere. It was in so many knots it might as well have been the jewelry in my wife’s drawer. It doesn’t matter what necklace my wife pulls out, several others come with it, tangled as if their measly lives depended on it. And lives they do have because no inanimate object could do what all stringlike objects do—twist, tie, and snarl themselves into messes that a mere mortal like myself can see no way to undo. Yes, they are alive—and they are also evil.

So what other obvious truths exist in the universe? A few of them follow:

1.   Strings are alive. It’s worth saying again because there is no denying this obvious fact.

2.   Joggers are not having fun. Just look at their faces. Are they smiling and laughing, or are they grimacing? I’m still waiting for a jogger who’s merrily skipping along, laughing, and eating Pringles chips or a Butterfinger bar. If it was fun, that’s what they’d be doing.

3.   Employees hate meetings. Employers must know this. Aren’t the vast majority of employers former employees? Have they forgotten what it was like? I’ll give money that when they were employees daydreaming their way through meetings, nodding off and wondering why there were no donuts to eat, they were saying to themselves, “When I become the boss, I’ll abolish meetings. I’ll send memos with typographical errors instead.” But then the time comes and they are determined to torture all the poor underlings. Isn’t it apparent that their employees are miserable? I say yes—obviously.

4.   Hot beverages are hot—sometimes scaldingly hot. Yet, people never learn. Blisters, burns, pain, numbness, lack of ability to taste, difficulty in swearing—these are a few of the unpleasant symptoms that should remind people that hot beverages are hot. And numbing the pain with ice or anesthetics or cough drops works fine until said person with no taste buds eats something acidic or salty (about 75% of their food choices) or he or she chomps on the numb muscle. Yet people don’t seem to comprehend the obvious and continue to scald themselves on a regular basis.

5.  

Clowns are creepy. Research has proven this to be true and especially true to children. Yet adults persist on “entertaining” children with unnerving clowns and plastering the helpless kids' wallpaper with the scary creatures. Listen closely. Clowns are for rodeos. Clowns save cowboys’ lives and get the crap kicked out of themselves for wearing those disturbing costumes. Even bulls know clowns are creepy.

6.  

Going bald is upsetting. Even for men. Yes, I’m laughing at my mild attempt at humor. Baldness makes men feel old. It makes men feel less attractive. It causes men to lose self-esteem. But it is no excuse for toupees and comb-overs. Seriously.

7. 

Women are tougher than men. Way tougher. Oh, they may cry while a man fights off the tears to uphold his masculinity, but they have babies. If men had to have babies, humans would be extinct. I once took a direct hit to the testicles by a softball whizzing at approximately 70 miles per hour. The swelling was incredible. The pain goes without saying. My wife kept laughing at me (well, to be honest EVERYONE was laughing at me including the nurse at the emergency room who suggested I put ice on it). I didn’t want ice. I wanted to die. I also had a kidney stone. I’ve been told this is God’s way of showing a man what childbirth is like. I honestly am grateful my wife gave birth to my children because if I had to do it, I would never have been blessed with the awesome daughter I have. My son would have been an only child. I’ve heard that a broken femur is the worst pain imaginable (how it could be worse than passing a kidney stone I’ll never know) and childbirth is next on the list. What would it be like to give birth with a broken femur? Only a woman could know because men would die.

8.   High heels make your feet hurt. Take all of your weight, ladies, and smash it down on the balls of your feet, squashing your toes together, and curling your feet inward in a fetal position. Obviously, it’s going to hurt. If men wore high heels just one time, they would be debilitated, but at least they’d have the sense to not wear them again.

9.   Weathermen (should I call them meteorologists?) in Michigan are wrong 90% of the time. Is there any other job in the world where a person gets a free pass and can mess up nine times more than they are successful? Even a baseball player is expected to get a hit 30% of the time. In Michigan, they don’t even need to be close, yet their jobs are safe. On the other hand, what’s the challenge of those same workers in Arizona? “Let’s see, I finished level 321 in Candy Crush just in time to tell you tomorrow is going to be hot with low humidity.”

10.  Cords, ropes, laces, chains, ribbons (you name it) are alive. I’m telling you, it’s true. It’s not just strings; it’s anything shaped like a string. They’re alive. You can test my theory, and you’ll notice that I’m right. It’s obvious.

Egg on Their Faces

As some of my followers know, I am a school teacher. About a week ago, we had a pep assembly to honor spring sports participants. The teams would be announced, followed by some friendly competition between the teachers and some of the team’s players. One such competition was an egg toss. Each time the egg was caught without demolition, the participants would take a step back. Two of our teachers, Mr. A. and Mr. B. (for the sake of not incriminating the participants) won the contest, but were requested to continue to see how long they could last. Mr. A. launched a pop-up in Mr. B.’s direction. Mr. B., who spent many a day coaching the baseball team, found himself circling under the pop-up before holding both hands above his head like a good baseball player would but like a good egg-toss participant wouldn’t. As the inevitable conclusion played out in slow motion, I couldn’t help but wonder how those two teachers had managed to be the lone survivors. Gravity pulled that egg earthward and lack of wisdom kept those hands steadily under the falling shell. And guess what happened? We all know…how could Mr. B. not know? The egg exploded…all over his face. “Egg on your face” is an idiom which means “to be extremely embarrassed. Usually the embarrassment is the result of one's own actions.” Uh…yeah. But though the expression is supposed to be figurative language, my good friend, Mr. B. managed to take it literally.

Yes, I had a good, hearty laugh at my friend’s expense, and so did the entire school population. The incident motivated me to write about other expressions and errors I’ve been keeping track of over the last several months that are worthy of a good laugh. They are as follows—and followed by the all-important sarcastic comment. 

1.       “My grandma is having surgery on her very close veins.” (These, I assume, are veins that are very close to popping out of the grandmother’s legs. It should be varicose veins.)

2.       “Youth in Asia will kill the elderly.” (I suggest that the obvious preventive measure for senior citizens would be to stay on their own continent. Traveling sounds dangerous. It should be euthanasia.)

3.       “I can’t eat that. I’m lack toast and tolerant.” (At least it doesn’t bother the person to be without toast, but would they be so tolerant if they ate cottage cheese, for instance? It should be lactose intolerant.)

4.       “How do folks play with a wee-g-board?” (The same way they play with Polly Pockets, Squinkies, and miniature toy soldiers…with tiny, little hands on that wee, little board. It should be Ouija Board.)

5.       “I love that after my boyfriend leaves, I can still smell his colon on me.” (Is anyone crinkling up his or her nose like I am right now? This is gross. It should be cologne.)

6.       “I’m eating chicken Parma John tonight.” (John, from Parma, Italy, had this scrumptious meal named after himself. It’s a well-known fact. It should be chicken parmesan.)

7.       “I hate Hippocrates!” (This pre-first-century physician coined the Hippocratic Oath. I fail to see the reason for all the modern-day loathing. It should be hypocrites.)

8.       “I had a Filly Steak sandwich with mozzarella cheese.” (I’d pass on horse meat personally. It should be Philly Steak).

9.       “I’ve been living bi-curiously through my friends.” (I’ll just say that I saw this as a Facebook post, and it’s a really good example of how important it is to spell well. Enough said. It should be vicariously.”)

10.   “I’m a genious!” (I assume spelling doesn’t count. It should be genius…genious.)

11.   “Another words, I can’t wait for collage.” (In other words, you’re not ready for college.)

12.   “Come on out wit us. We out poopin bottles in the club 2night.” (Love the jargon and texting skills, but I would think the friend might pass on the opportunity to pass bottles. Would these be bottles of colon, by chance? It should be popping—I think.)

13.   “No school on Martian Luther King Day.” (MLK was an alien? It’s Martin Luther King.)

14.   “He’s a victim of extreme violets.” (These are flowers that are extra, abundantly purple. I get that. But I don’t understand the victimization. It should be extreme violence.)

15.   “Having a wonderful time. Wish you were her.” (This was another Facebook post I ran across. It’s a good example that bad spelling could be hazardous to one’s health and happiness. It should be wish you were here.)

Do you think the writers of these spelling gaffes would feel like they had egg on their faces if the problems were pointed out to them? Unfortunately, I’m not so sure. But I am sure that Mr. B. had egg on his face. Sometimes it’s not so bad getting a good laugh at another anonymous person’s expense, especially if it encourages people to read my blog and pass it on. Thanks for stopping by.

A Time-Traveling Slinky

Time travel is hard to write. Seriously. Well, at least it was for me because I made the “mistake” of going online to learn all about it. Yes, I read all about the Theory of Relativity. Einstein is smarter than I am, believe it or not. I read all about wormholes and temporal paradoxes. I read all about the scientific “rules” of time travel—some geniuses have five rules; some have ten. All agree that time travel forward is possible if a method of traveling faster than the speed of light can be devised, and time travel backward is impossible unless a time machine exists in the past. And no one can do anything that would alter the time continuum unless there could be alternate universes, which most clear thinkers say there couldn’t be. No one can go back in time and alter history because everything has already happened and alterations would have a ripple effect that couldn’t happen because events are already fixed.

But people love time travel, right? Creative thinkers—like writers…like me—think the idea of time travel is all that matters. It’s no different than for readers who like aliens. If a reader enjoys the creative possibility of aliens, then they can enjoy the story. And who cares if there really aren’t fairies, vampires, unicorns, magic beans, Greek gods, superheroes, or talking rabbits? It’s just a story. And that’s why we can accept time travel in Back to the Future, The Terminator, Looper, The Butterfly Effect, The Time Traveler’s Wife, Star Trek, The Time Machine, and Timeline among dozens and dozens of other books and movies. Everything doesn’t have to be possible; the writer just has to make it seem possible.

So I spent lots of agonizing hours fretting anyway—of course. That’s just how I am. Finally, I settled on a mode of presentation. OF COURSE IT’S NOT POSSIBLE. As my wife became fond of saying, “It’s fiction. Time travel doesn’t exist. Do what you want.” Of course, my story can be meticulously analyzed and found flawed. Of course, it doesn’t meet every scientific principle, but it’s a story—made-up fiction to be enjoyed. And I think I did it in a way no one else has done it. I’m quite proud of that.

Instead of looking at time-travel and time machines, I looked at time. And I made up a theory of how time exists on the spiritual plane. Then I created a time-traveling “slinky” to stretch in and out of time and place, not because of a time machine, but because of a gift and because of a mission that was assigned to him by three angels who exist on a different plane than humans and understand time in a different way. It’s “explained” in the excerpt below as Cole Flint, the time-traveling teleporter, has time explained by Perisa, a principality—an angel—after Cole learns of his abilities and his mission.

“This [time traveling and teleporting] is a lot to take in…even to believe. How is it possible?” [Cole asked.]

“Time on earth is perceived linearly. But that’s not how time really works.”

“Then how does it work? If all I have to do is picture where and when I’m going, I want to be able to visualize how it works too.”

Perisa smiled and stretched out a wire—where it came from was a mystery. “Do you recall how people once thought the world was flat?”

Cole nodded.

“They couldn’t comprehend how it could be round. But it was, regardless of what they thought. Well, people think of time like a timeline,” she explained as she stretched out the wire.

“But it’s really round?”

With a hand on the end, somehow Perisa fashioned the straight wire into a perfect circle. “Like this?” she asked Cole.

“Yeah…no beginning, no end. It sort of makes sense to me.”

Perisa giggled. “Well, that’s not how it is, Cole.” With a quick couple of twists of her hand, the wire formed into a coiled spring. “Time is more like this. No beginning or end, but all time is piled on top of each other. In the spiritual realms, past, present, and future are all happening at the same time.” She then pressed the spring with her thumb and compressed it into a solid piece of metal. “It’s not really a spring, though. Everything that happens on earth is happening on a linear timeline—at least it is to the people living here—but in the spiritual world, it’s all happening at the same time…except to you. You are the spring…sort of like a slinky. You rise out of time, stretch in whatever direction or time you want, and then settle back into the metal.” As she spoke, the “slinky” she mentioned rose out of the metal and dropped back into the visual aid, theoretically into a different time or place.

“I don’t know how you’re doing that, but thanks for the visual. You gonna give me the magic wire in case I have to explain things to the wonder girl?”

“What wire, Cole? There’s no wire,” she said as she held up her empty hands. “I know you have questions, but I need to say goodbye for now. I sense your anxiety…and sadness. You must deal with that in your own way, but please know that I will be watching…and please be careful.”

So Cole Flint, in an attempt to protect Hannah Carpenter from people who are seeking the Staff of Moses, the relic that Hannah is possessing, takes her back in time, and thus starts an adventure. In the process of transporting her in time and place, she keeps making contact with a grizzly bear and the King of Jordan. The adventure—WHICH I MADE UP—follows many of the rules of time travel—you know, those scientific “rules” about something that doesn’t exist? And some of the travels don’t follow the “rules,” leaving paradoxes. Yet, the end result is a mission is accomplished, a mystery is solved, and characters are involved in an adventure that is sure to be enjoyable to read. So relax, sit back and enjoy, and read another of the many varied tales of a time traveler that is impossible fiction but no more impossible than Harry Potter or Percy Jackson or Edward Cullen or Willy Wonka or Doctor Jekyll or Spock or Gandalf or the Incredible Hulk. It’s a story to be enjoyed—not believed. It’s an adventure to pique the imagination and to defy possibility. It is Jumper.

Top Ten Grammar Gaffes

I was asked by fellow author and friend, Elizabeth Seckman, to put together an entry for her blog. She said, “A top ten list is always popular. Maybe you could give the top ten most common grammar errors.” Well, she must know how I think because the following blog entry veritably flowed from me. I don’t know that these are the worst or the most common or even my biggest pet peeves. They are simply what happened when I started to write. So the following are the Top Ten Graffar Gammes—I mean Grammar Gaffes. (I actually mistakenly typed “graffar gammes” and thought the error fit the posting nicely).

1.       Your and you’re.  Your going to be scratching you’re head when you read this blog post, but if your just able to remember that “you’re” always means “you are,” then you’ll be sure to spell both words good from now on.

2.       Good and well.  “Good” is always an adjective, like … good Lord, I don’t spell good. I know, I should have used “well” at the end of that sentence because “well” is an adverb used to describe a verb. You actually spell “well.” And spelling well would make you feel good, wouldn’t it? No, it wouldn’t. You don’t feel good because even though “good” is an adjective, you are supposed to use “well” as an adjective when its referring to health.

3.       It’s and its. I’m messing with all of you as I misuse these words, but its important for me to show you that correct spelling has it’s rules. “It’s” always means “it is” and is never possessive. Possessive nouns use apostrophes but possessive pronouns do not. Apostrophe’s, by the way, are not used to form plural’s. That bit of advice was free. Please try not to loose your mind as I continue.

4.        Lose and loose. You do not loose your mind, nor should you ever climb a ladder with loose shoelaces. Safety first, and all that. I understand that the “oo” sound is the same sound we use when we pronounce “lose,” but I’m going to loose my mind if people don’t stop misspelling that word. I see it alot.

5.       A lot. Yep, it’s two words. Alot of times, I see it as one. It makes me want to scream—alot. It’s always two words. We don’t say bring me alincolnlog, or I’m opening acupboarddoor, or I’m chewing afishstick. “A” is an adjective. “Lot” is the noun it’s describing. And by the way, it would be nice to see that their are people who use “all right” as two words in they’re spelling too.

6.       There, their, and they’re. Are you getting frustrated with me? (Why? Did you not notice that I spelled “to, too, and two” correctly all three times in the above sentence while you were focusing on the misspelled words?) Surveys show that nine out of ten doctors recommend amputation of fingers every time “there, their, and they’re” are written or typed incorrectly. Not really…but a few amputations might go a long way toward solving the problem. “They’re” always means “they are.” I don’t see why people ever spell that incorrectly. “Their” is a possessive pronoun that means “it belongs to them.” The word is spelled correct as “there” in every other instance their is (I crack myself up).

7.       “Ly” has a use. Yes, if we want to spell correct, and write fluent, and communicate proper, and impress intelligent ladies sufficient, we should learn that “ly” is a suffix that is added to an adjective to turn it correctly into an adverb. And adverbs—those “ly” words—should have been used to describe the action verbs I used in those horrifying previous sentences to tell how the action was done. “Ly” is a useful little tool to show the opposite sex that we took our educations seriously…literally.

8.       Literally. This word actually has a literal definition. It means to adopt the exact meaning—nothing figurative…nothing exaggerated. It’s true—a strict interpretation of the words. I mean, I literally want to die when people use this word incorrectly. My head literally explodes and my eyes literally bug out of my head. I don’t have no other words to express the pain I feel.

9.       Double negatives. Some people, I swear, don’t know nothing because if I took those previous words literally, I would have to assume that if people don’t know nothing, they must know something. So if I want to say that people don’t know a single thing, I’d say they don’t know anything. What I’m trying to say in this blog is I don’t want no more bad grammar and spelling. It effects my mood.

10.   Effect and affect. My suggestion here is that when one of these two words comes up, just flip a coin and write something. Who cares if it’s correct or not because unless you know grammar, it’ll never make sense (I wasn’t being serious). “Affect” is a verb—an action verb. “Action” starts with “A” and so does “affect.” The word “effect” is a noun. If you can put “an” or “the” in front of it, it tells you a noun is coming. I like to remember “the effect” with “the” pronounced like “thee” and then there are two long “E” sounds in a row. Thee effect. That’s how I remember it, anyway. 

There, wasn’t that unpleasant? Grammar and spelling are pains—pains that nearly drive us all crazy. If you’re trying to get your grammar right, however, it would be a good idea to learn the rules well. It’s definitely possible to learn a word’s spelling and its usage. You don’t have to lose your mind or jar your brains loose over this issue, but there are certainly a lot of rules to know. There are people who know their grammar because those rules, well, they’re learnable—so I carefully chose ten to teach that may not literally drive me nuts, but they certainly bother me. I, personally, don’t ever want to make any of those mistakes. The effects could dramatically affect how people perceive me, and I’d like for people to think I’m an intelligent guy—even if they think I have a weird sense of humor.