Friday, January 4, 2013

New Year's Resolve

I often wonder if other people really keep New Year’s resolutions. I mean, I assume that people make them with good intentions of keeping them, but success of most resolutions is about as unlikely as fish flying—as opposed to fly fishing. (Sidenote: I had a chance to fly fish one summer in Wyoming—even made my own flies—but it was so cold the evening we were supposed to go that I chose to spend my time in a hot springs instead). Well, I digress, except that’s exactly how resolutions work. We have exciting, worthwhile plans, and then without any intentions of floundering, we find better fish to fry—things that are more comfortable or more convenient. 

I once made a resolution to not gain any weight. I’d had no problem with that for my entire life, so I felt it was a “safe” resolution. When I gained a few pounds—something that was eventually inevitable because I mostly eat Pringles potato chips and granola bars…and I’m getting old—I conveniently ignored my resolution…sort of like I ignore those post-Christmas boxes that I’m supposed to store back up in the garage attic. And speaking of post-Christmas, I went to the grocery store for milk (and more Pringles…and dill pickles…and ranch dressing) and all the Christmas decorations were gone and two aisles were filled with Valentine’s candy. It’s no wonder we ignore our failing resolutions. Consumers can’t even focus on them for a full week. 

I’ve often wondered why people make resolutions that can’t be measured, like “I resolve to be more patient” or “I resolve to control my temper better.” Those things are virtually impossible to measure. It would be like me saying “I resolve to clean the bathroom less.” How is it possible to measure that? Those resolutions are bound to fail. 

Well, so much for my blog introduction. It’s time now for the real reason you’re wasting your precious time on this webpage. It’s time for me to make my own New Year’s Resolutions!! Drum roll please.

1.  I resolve to continue to repeat as many lines from The Princess Bride as possible. “Inconceivable!”...”You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means”—Vizzini and Inigo Montoya.

2.  I resolve to make it through another year without watching a complete episode of Friends or The Simpsons. I’ve never seen a whole episode of either, and I’m proud of it. I can do it again. “I will never doubt again”—Princess Buttercup.

3.  I resolve to never eat the last banana. I’m not even sure the last banana is meant to be eaten, but I refuse to eat it. “My way's not very sportsman-like”—Fezzik.

4.  I resolve to continue to always aim the shower nozzle away from the shower door when I’m finished even though my wife keeps forgetting and I really, really want to teach her a lesson. “My name is Inigo Montoya. You [sprayed me with water]. Prepare to die”—Inigo Montoya (sort of).

5.  I resolve to continue to steadfastly pluck the hairs from my ears because even though I love The Lord of the Rings, I refuse to be called a “hairy-eared Hobbit” as I once heard someone called. “That is the sound of ultimate suffering...”—Inigo.

6.  I resolve to try to stop snoring. I have no idea how I’ll do this while I’m sleeping, but when my wife complains, I’ll continuously tell her how hard I’m trying. “As you wish was all he ever said to her”—Grandpa (about Westley).

7.  I resolve to exercise a minimum of 200 days this year. And, no, I won’t count “walking” around the house to locate my phone or my keys or “climbing” into bed. I won’t count “running” the dishwasher or “roaming” the internet. I won’t even count “lifting” my hand to my mouth when I snack during a ballgame. “Why won’t my arms move?...You’ve been mostly dead all day”—Westley and Fezzik.

8.  I resolve to read the entire Bible this year. No jokes about this one. I’ve pulled this feat off for twelve years in a row, and I’m hoping that this is the year that I finally gain some wisdom. Okay…minor joke. “Why are you smiling?...Because I know something you don’t know”—Inigo Montoya.

9.  I resolve to publish the novel I’m currently editing plus one more in the next twelve months. Anyone have any ideas???? “When I was your age, television was called books”—Grandpa.

10. I resolve to occasionally write a serious blog post. Just not this time. “We are men of action. Lies do not become us”—Westley.

So there you have it. New Year’s resolutions that a person can keep. Most of them are worthwhile, attainable, measurable, and relatable to a classic movie. I once had a friend from Michigan whose New Year’s resolution was to give up water skiing during lent. He took care of both things at once, and I’m certain he was successful. What are your New Year’s resolutions? Is one of them to join my blog? “Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world—except for a nice MLT—mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe…They're so perky; I love that”—Miracle Max.  Happy New Year everyone!