People say dumb things. I know I certainly do. But who am I?
A guy with a blog…with a handful of books read by a handful of people? Not many
people care when I say something stupid. But what if I was a famous athlete?
Then people would take notice, and there would be a list of my dumbest quotes
followed by an unknown author’s sarcastic comments (in italics). But I’m not a famous athlete like Yogi Berra, Rickey
Henderson, and Mike Tyson. Instead I get to be the sarcastic blogger/author. Yogi
Berra is famous for his less-than-cerebral quotes. Rickey Henderson is famous
for his cockiness and third person references to go with an occasional mental
gaffe. Mike Tyson is just lost Mike, trying to sound smarter than he really is.
I’m giving you some of my favorites. Read and enjoy.
Yogi Berra quotes
1.
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
(But today's dollar is.)
2.
"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The
other half is physical." (And the
other third is hysterical.)
3.
"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's
amphibious." (I think he was talking
about Toad the Wet Sprocket.)
4.
"I always thought that record would stand
until it was broken." (Yogi got one
right occasionally.)
5.
"I'm not going to buy my kids an
encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did." (Five miles uphill, both ways, barefoot in the snow, against the wind.)
6.
"It's like deja vu all over again." (I swear I’ve read that line before.)
7.
"The towels were so thick there I could
hardly close my suitcase." (Maybe if
you took out the bathrobe, Yogi.)
8.
"You can observe a lot just by
watching." (Along those same lines
of thinking, you can lie a lot just by golfing.)
9.
"You should always go to other people's
funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours." (And what would a funeral be without ghosts and zombies present?)
10.
"I never said most of the things I
said." (I have to admit, it IS hard
to believe you said some of these things.)
Rickey Henderson quotes
1.
In 1996, Henderson’s first season with San
Diego, he boarded the team bus and was looking for a seat. Steve Finley said,
“You have tenure, sit wherever you want.” Henderson looked at Finley and said,
“Ten years? Ricky’s been playing at least 16, 17 years.” (Rickey was famous for talking to himself and referring to himself in
the third person.)
2.
A reporter once asked Rickey if he talked to
himself, “Do I talk to myself? No, I just remind myself of what I’m trying to
do. You know, I never answer myself so how can I be talking to myself?”
3.
After a Seattle strikeout, the next batter heard
him say as he returned to the dugout, "Don't worry, Rickey, you're still
the best." (Since there’s no record
of a self-response, he therefore wasn’t talking to himself.)
4.
A reporter asked Henderson if Ken Caminiti’s
estimate that 50 percent of Major League players were taking steroids was
accurate. His response was, “Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49
percent right there.” (Since Mark McGwire
and Sammy Sosa were taking them, does
that make it 51%?)
5.
Rickey once asked a teammate how long it would
take him to drive to the Dominican Republic. (I think it would take less time than if he were to drive to…say…Japan.)
6.
In the late 1980s, the Yankees sent Henderson a
six-figure bonus check. After a few months passed, an internal audit revealed
the check had not been cashed. Current Yankees GM Brian Cashman called Rickey
and asked if there was a problem with the check. Henderson said, “I’m just
waiting for the money market rates to go up.” (At least he intended to cash it eventually. I’m curious about the
million dollar bonus check that I read he framed and hung on his wall.)
7.
When he was on the Yankees in the mid-1980s,
Henderson told teammates that his condo had such a great view that he could
see, “The Entire State Building.” (Even
the back?)
8.
Advice from Rickey: "Do your stretching
before you sleep. That way you wake up loose." (Rickey never once pulled a hamstring in his sleep.)
9.
Insight from Rickey: “In baseball, you train the
whole body, except for the hip and eyes.” (And
the brain and tongue.)
Mike Tyson quotes
1.
“Another thing that freaks me out is time. Time
is like a book. You have a beginning, a middle, and an end. It's just a cycle.”
(The ever-repeating cycle of a timeline…and
books?)
2.
“I ain't the same person I was when I bit that
guy's ear off.” (Possibly he’s a vegan instead
of a cannibal?)
3.
“It's good to know how to read, but it's
dangerous to know how to read and not how to interpret what you're reading.” (Two signs I’ve seen that he would be wise to
interpret are 1) Danger. Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw, and 2)
Warning. No trespassing. Violators will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.)
4.
“I know how hard it is to be a woman, especially
a black woman.” (This might partly explain
his voice.)
5.
“I've lived places these guys can't defecate in.”
(He’s lived nowhere?)
6.
“[He]
called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.” (At least he’s honest.)
7.
“Being a
champion opens lots of doors. I’d like to get a real estate license, maybe sell
insurance.” (I’ve heard with a real
estate license you can also teach elementary school and go into nursing.)
8.
“I guess I’m going to fade into Bolivian.” (A person can get quality soy, coffee, and cocoa beans in Bolivian).
If you enjoyed this installment of “The Red
Pen,” check out some of my other entries or look up my novels Loving the Rain, Skeleton Key, Bulletproof, Lost and Found, Jumper, Planer, and Warper.