Saturday, June 8, 2013

Egg on Their Faces

As some of my followers know, I am a school teacher. About a week ago, we had a pep assembly to honor spring sports participants. The teams would be announced, followed by some friendly competition between the teachers and some of the team’s players. One such competition was an egg toss. Each time the egg was caught without demolition, the participants would take a step back. Two of our teachers, Mr. A. and Mr. B. (for the sake of not incriminating the participants) won the contest, but were requested to continue to see how long they could last. Mr. A. launched a pop-up in Mr. B.’s direction. Mr. B., who spent many a day coaching the baseball team, found himself circling under the pop-up before holding both hands above his head like a good baseball player would but like a good egg-toss participant wouldn’t. As the inevitable conclusion played out in slow motion, I couldn’t help but wonder how those two teachers had managed to be the lone survivors. Gravity pulled that egg earthward and lack of wisdom kept those hands steadily under the falling shell. And guess what happened? We all know…how could Mr. B. not know? The egg exploded…all over his face. “Egg on your face” is an idiom which means “to be extremely embarrassed. Usually the embarrassment is the result of one's own actions.” Uh…yeah. But though the expression is supposed to be figurative language, my good friend, Mr. B. managed to take it literally.

Yes, I had a good, hearty laugh at my friend’s expense, and so did the entire school population. The incident motivated me to write about other expressions and errors I’ve been keeping track of over the last several months that are worthy of a good laugh. They are as follows—and followed by the all-important sarcastic comment. 

1.       “My grandma is having surgery on her very close veins.” (These, I assume, are veins that are very close to popping out of the grandmother’s legs. It should be varicose veins.)
2.       “Youth in Asia will kill the elderly.” (I suggest that the obvious preventive measure for senior citizens would be to stay on their own continent. Traveling sounds dangerous. It should be euthanasia.)
3.       “I can’t eat that. I’m lack toast and tolerant.” (At least it doesn’t bother the person to be without toast, but would they be so tolerant if they ate cottage cheese, for instance? It should be lactose intolerant.)
4.       “How do folks play with a wee-g-board?” (The same way they play with Polly Pockets, Squinkies, and miniature toy soldiers…with tiny, little hands on that wee, little board. It should be Ouija Board.)
5.       “I love that after my boyfriend leaves, I can still smell his colon on me.” (Is anyone crinkling up his or her nose like I am right now? This is gross. It should be cologne.)
6.       “I’m eating chicken Parma John tonight.” (John, from Parma, Italy, had this scrumptious meal named after himself. It’s a well-known fact. It should be chicken parmesan.)
7.       “I hate Hippocrates!” (This pre-first-century physician coined the Hippocratic Oath. I fail to see the reason for all the modern-day loathing. It should be hypocrites.)
8.       “I had a Filly Steak sandwich with mozzarella cheese.” (I’d pass on horse meat personally. It should be Philly Steak).
9.       “I’ve been living bi-curiously through my friends.” (I’ll just say that I saw this as a Facebook post, and it’s a really good example of how important it is to spell well. Enough said. It should be vicariously.”
10.   “I’m a genious!” (I assume spelling doesn’t count. It should be genius…genious.)
11.   “Another words, I can’t wait for collage.” (In other words, you’re not ready for college.)
12.   “Come on out wit us. We out poopin bottles in the club 2night.” (Love the jargon and texting skills, but I would think the friend might pass on the opportunity to pass bottles. Would these be bottles of colon, by chance? It should be popping—I think.)
13.   “No school on Martian Luther King Day.” (MLK was an alien? It’s Martin Luther King.)
14.   “He’s a victim of extreme violets.” (These are flowers that are extra, abundantly purple. I get that. But I don’t understand the victimization. It should be extreme violence.)
15.   “Having a wonderful time. Wish you were her.” (This was another Facebook post I ran across. It’s a good example that bad spelling could be hazardous to one’s health and happiness. It should be wish you were here.)

Do you think the writers of these spelling gaffes would feel like they had egg on their faces if the problems were pointed out to them? Unfortunately, I’m not so sure. But I am sure that Mr. B. had egg on his face. Sometimes it’s not so bad getting a good laugh at another anonymous person’s expense, especially if it encourages people to read my blog and pass it on. Thanks for stopping by.